“All you need is love.” This is the same message the Beatles sang, religions preach and science has recently been promoting, under the term of ‘social support’ rather than love, of course.
Emotional and practical support is beneficial along one’s life trajectory in a number of ways: It boosts self-esteem, conveys a sense of safety, buffers against daily stressors and adversities, mends little and big heartaches, creates job opportunities and, believe it or not, emotional support leads to good health and longevity. Put differently, being lonely kills. It really does. There are empirical data associating poor social support with chronic mental and physical ailments as well as premature death.
This is a scary thought because it forces us to acknowledge that each of us depends on companionship and support, something beyond our control but still with such a power over our life. And it is even more worrying when you are a woman. At the risk of making an overly simplistic claim, I would say that gender is a significant factor in determining the flow of this life-saving resource. You may either intuitively agree or disagree, but I invite you to test this theory in real life.
Take for example the young, male academic who contacted my friend for some intellectual exchange a few weeks ago. She already knew: “I’m gonna take him under my wings.” In fact, she was gripped by such a deep affection for him that she “would have adopted him if he didn’t already have parents.” I smiled in response: “Yeah, he seems lovely.” What I really wanted to say though was: “Great! Another good-looking, white, young, educated Western man in need of protection. I am so glad there is another charitable woman mindful of this vulnerable and disadvantaged minority amongst us.”
I mean, isn’t it wonderful how we devote ourselves to our men? The woman behind every successful man is not his wife or mother, but all of us kind, strange women who eagerly and quietly spread our wings wide and far to shelter them from hail and heat as they pant up the ladder of success. Obviously, this isn’t inherently a bad thing; these acts of selfless kindness we women commit for other men and women are to be celebrated and respected.
Oh wait, did I just say women back women? Well, this is a bit of wishful thinking. I got carried away. Let me serve another recent example: An older mentor, a ‘friendly’ godmother meeting with her female student: “I have never seen anyone like you,” the senior woman said with apparent disdain. Her eyes instinctively rolled with disapproval. “You are too confident. You act too independent,” she continued. “This work is hard and competitive.” She shook her head and gazed into the student’s eyes just long enough to create a dramatic moment before finishing her off. “And, you are too old for this.”
There it was, ten years of that student’s life dusted and gone, supposing that there truly is a link between life expectancy and social support.
More to the point, why do so many of us seem unwilling or unable to use our wings for other women? Where are the women behind women? Who is cheering our women? How come we are only socialised to assist and attend to men – when you are a man, the stage is set for your patronage. And when you are a woman, you are not winged – you are forced to wing it.
This is why behind every successful woman, there is a black hole.
